BROKENNESS

What does it means to be broken? I'll be explaining it by telling a story. It is a fiction. It is not real. 

Hi! I'm Katrina. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I was taught in the way of the Lord right from my young age. My story began when I got admission into the university. I met some set of friends that really changed me. I became everything my father told me it was bad. I became the opposite of my true self. I started smoking, use drugs, go to clubs, fornicate and so on. I became really bad. I became a drug addict. I can't just go a day without taking something. My friends call me “the boss”. I was really terrible. I don't even care about my family anymore. I see them as boring people. They don't understand my lifestyle. My friends are now my family. They do the things I do and have so much delight in it. I stopped going to church. I hated the Bible. I just don't want to see it because my friend told me that reading it will only put me in bondage. A lot of my mentality changed. My parents got to know about my lifestyle. My mother was furious. Same as my dad but I noticed my dad was calm. I don't even care about how they feel. I was forcefully brought back home and they started fasting my prayers all because of me. I often mock them and my mom do give me a “what entered you” look. Sometimes she stares at me. When I look at her, she takes her eyes away from me. My father still loved me despite my character. He always want us to have private time together but I do slam the door at him and tell him to get out. He never yelled back unlike my mom. He sometimes say “katrina I'll be waiting at the living room. I need to tell u something. It's a gist meant for my precious daughter and that's you”. I just smile in my room but will Never go there. On Sundays I was always taken to church forcefully. I hated my family more because I didn't have the chance to see my friends and party.

 One day, my friends came over to my house while my parents went out. I was so happy because they brought along hard drugs. I began to sniff. I was going really crazy. Suddenly, parents showed up. OMG! I don't even care. It was as if I don't even recognize them because what I took was really turning my head. For the first time, I saw anger written in my father's eyes. He sent all my friends out while my mom was taking out the drinks. My mother was yelling at them. My father walked up to me and he began to yell at me“katrina are you out of your mind. How dare you! Oh! Because I've been linient on you!” his voice was really getting louder and it was affecting the remaining peace in me. Suddenly I yelled at him saying “hey you bitch! Who are you to yell at me. I hate you! I hate you!” I never realized I was talking my father. My parents froze. My mom looked at me and I could sense she was wondering if I was the one that spoke. Her eyes were already tearing up with tears. I continued sniffing the drug. A slap landed on my cheek and I looked up. “how dare you bitch”! I told my father. As I turned around to walk away, my father wanted to hold me and he slipped. He fell right on the bottle which got broken when my friends were rushing to leave. I turned back and I saw blood gushing out of my father's head. It was as if a veil was removed from my face. My dad! I realized everything that happened. I called my father a bitch. My mother started crying and she told me “i curse the day you were born”. I freezed. I couldn't touch my father who was lying unconsciously on the ground. The ambulance came and took him away. 

That day, I realized my life. What happened to me! I couldn't find an answer to it. I kept crying. I couldn't stay in my house. I sat at the park and began to think of how it all started. What shifted me into this lifestyle. I thought of my roommates. They led me into that lifestyle. I couldn't hold my tears. I love my father so much. Despite everything I did. I love him so much. I began to recollect the memories I had with him. How I slammed the door at his face and he would still call me his lovely daughter. My mom never cooked my food ever since I got back home. My dad will often fix my breakfast and dinner. Oh no! I can't loose my dad. I cried more. 

After 2 days, I summoned courage to go to the hospital where my father was. When I saw my dad, I couldn't hold back my tears. I saw what I did to him. His head was bandaged. I walked closer to him and I said “dad”. He was just looking at me like a stranger. He didn't say anything. I was wondering why he was just looking at me and he didn't say anything. The doctor came in and I asked him why my dad isn't talking to me. He told me“he is suffering from a temporary memory loss. He might not be able to remember that person that really hurt him”. On hearing that, it was as if my heart was ripped of my body. My dad won't remember me? my mother and my siblings came in. She began to yell at me. “what is this devil doing here! Are you hear to kill him finally”. She began to shout. I couldn't stay. I rushed out of the hospital. With tears in my heart, I began to walk faster. I don't where I'm going but I know I've lost my true family

I got tired and sat in front of a kiosk which is not far from a church. And I began to hear a sermon “God can still make something out of your life. No matter how bad you've lived, God still loves you. Come to God. Confess your sins to him and he will forgive you. He will turn your story around...”. I felt as if something in me was sparked up. I stood up and I entered the church. It was as if the pastor knew me. He was just telling my story and I began to cry were I sat. The holy Spirit arrested my heart. I couldn't utter a word rather I began to pour out my heart through my tears. People that sat with me were looking at me but I didn't care. My heart was melted by his words. I could no longer hold my tears anymore. It bursted out and caught the attention of the congregation. I didn't stop. The pastor came to me and said “he can hear your heart cry. No matter what you've done, he loves you still”. Those words forced more tears out of me. I began to groan. My heart melted completely and I couldn't control it. After the church service, the pastor came to me again. I told him everything I did. He didn't even condemn me. I repented of my lifestyles and became saved. 

At night, I was still inside the church. I opened my mouth to pray for the first time in 3yrs. I began to pray. At a time, I could no longer say anything. Rather, I began to cry. I cried myself to sleep and I had a dream. I saw myself carrying a very beautiful clay pot. It was so beautiful. Suddenly, it began to crack while I was walking. I didn't pay attention to it. It kept cracking as I was walking. When I got to a particular point, the clay pot fell off my hands and broke into piece. That was when I realised that the pot has broken even before it landed on the floor. I began to cry because where I going with the pot is still far. I began to call for help but no one could answer because I was the only one on that lane. How will I get this thing together? I tried putting it together but it has broken beyond repair. I was still there crying when an old man walked up to me. He was so dirty. His hands and cloth were stucked with clay. “Pls help me. my journey is still far from here but my pot has broken”. The man looked at me and said “Do you know me? What gave you the assurance that I can help you”. I looked at him and said “i don't know you but you are a potter. Your cloth is filled with clay. Your hands are stuck with clay. You make pots and remould them. Pls help me. I need to remould this pot.” I started crying again. He brought out a bag and packed every piece of my pot into it. And he said “follow me”. 

We got to a very big yard and I saw alot of clay pots. Some were broken by the side, some are broken completely while some are complete. Beside his workshop,there is a room. I peeped through it and saw very beautiful pots. They were lined with silver and were all shiny. I noticed that every of the pot were arranged in rows and columns but a particular pot was placed at the front of all the pots. It was the most beautiful. I noticed another thing. The pattern around the pot was the same for the remaining pots. I find it hard to explain. “Are you gonna stay there and continue peeping”. The old man said and I walked up to him. I sat down and the remoulding began. He poured all the piece in a mortal and began to pound. He broke them all until it became powdery. He brought out a sieve to sieve it. The ones that stayed in the sieve was placed aside while the powdery ones were used to mould. He moulded it back to a pot. He placed it aside and began to grind those ones that was placed aside before. He sieved it but everything passed through the side. He smiled and began to mould that one too. He made it into a flat surface and made it dry. He painted it with gold. He placed it into the pot he moulded before. The pot became very beautiful. The gold pattern was just shining and I was really glad. After some time, he carried the pot and placed it in the furnace. I was scared. Why did he do that? But he smiled at me and said “dont be afraid”. After Sometimes, he brought it out and left it to cool. Behold it was shining more than before. I was really happy. He gave it to me and he told me “your pot is back, you can continue your journey”. I stared at it for a while and I knelt down in front of the old man and said“pls let me keep this with you. If I go out there, It might get broken again. Pls let me keep my pot in your yard”. I gave it to him and he smiled

Suddenly I woke up. I was panting. I was soaked with sweats. I don't understand it. No one was in the church. I was scared. I stood up to leave but I noticed someone was sitting at the altar. “Who is there” I shouted. “I AM THAT I AM”. He replied. My heart began to beat heavily. Fear thrived my bone. I walked silently to the altar. I tip toed cos I was scared. Someone just tapped me and said “are you looking for me”. I was scared. I turned back and I saw the old man in my dream. OMG! I began to tremble. My teeth were clenching together. Sweat filled my body. “I came her because of you. I want to tell you something” he said. I began to regain myself. I sat with him and he began to talk “katrina, i want to tell you the meaning of everything you saw. You see that pot is your life. The cracks you see are caused by the words you take in. Words spoken has a very big impact in one's life whether positive or negative. The friends you walked with kept poisoning your mind. For every poison there is a crack. Your pot had broken even before it fell. Do u know what made it fall?” “no sir. I dont” I replied. He continued “your father's accident broke you. That was when you realised all your cracks. That's when you realised the life you've been living.” Tears began to drop from my eyes. I was shrunk by those words. He smiled at me and continued “now let me explain the stages of your remoulding; you were submissive to me. You realised you needed help. That was what made you to follow me. When you got to my yard, you saw alot of pots. Those are other people's life. Those pot that were broken are just like you but they are not submissive. They died wallowing in their sins. The room you saw at the corner is reserved for just one person. He was also like you then. He realised he needed help and was humble enough for me to work in him. His pot was the one standing alone. If you noticed very well, some pots were behind him. They have the same pattern but he was their head. Those pots are people that changed through him. Those are the people he is leading. He has a special room because he realised that his story is healing to others. He is daily helping people who are living the way he once lived. Now let's come to your own story. I grinded those piece because you need to be broken totally before you can be remolded and become useful. You see, that process is a stage in your life that you will soon experience. Some of your friends will hate you. Some people will ridicule you because of your past. This stage is the most painful. Cos you will feel deserted, unwanted. Don't worry, I got you. The second stage is sieving. I separated the rough particles from the smooth ones and I moulded the smooth ones. After their attitudes to you, they will leave you. You will be alone. You see, that stage of being alone is the stage of growth. You start growing in line with what I want for you. Later on, I took those rough ones and pounded it till it became very soft. I moulded it again. Those particles are the words that broke you. I moulded it back and added beauty to it because that is your scar! It is what will beautify your life. That was the beautiful part of the pot. Your scar will become the beauty of your life. I placed the pot into furnace because you are going to be tested. A lot of unpleasant things will come your way but don't be shaken. When I brought it out u could see how beautiful it was. If you pass the tests, your life will become more beautiful. I am not the one to test you. The devil will because he doesn't want you to live according to what I have marked out for you. You giving me the pot shows you don't trust yourself. Rather you trusted me. You believed that in me, your life is secured. Now you know the meaning of your dream.” I couldn't control my tears. What a deep revelation. He stood up and walked towards the altar. I said“papa what's your name. I will like to know so that I can always call you when I see you here.” he turned back and he transformed. I couldn't look at him anymore cos the light radiating from him was so intense. I began to shiver. I closed my eyes and I bowed. He spoke and his voice was like the sound of the thunder and that of the waters. He said “ I am the I AM THAT I AM”. I couldn't stop myself from shivering. The whole elements in my body were vibrating. 

After some times, everything became calm. I opened my eyes. It was already morning. I felt alive. I went back to the hospital and I saw my mother. She looked at me and I looked at her. I was so surprised she didn't shout at me. I ran to her and knelt down in front of her. I cried into her laps. I asked for forgiveness. She forgave me. My siblings came to me and were all Happy. What of my dad? I asked my mom. We went to the ward where he was. As I entered, my father looked at me and said “katrina”. My mom was shocked. I couldn't hold my tears. I hugged him and he said something that really touched me “ I'm sorry for slapping you. I couldn't watch you live like that. Your mother often ask me why I was so linient on you and I told her; you don't correct bad attitudes with bad attitudes. I showed you more love instead cos I believe it has power to change things”. I was really amazed and I am grateful for the encounter I had. This is my story. I hope you will learn from it.

Hmm! What a powerful revelation. Brokenness is a state of total surrender to God for remoulding and rebirthing. Is your story similar to Katrina's story. I want you to know that God loves you despite the rough life you have lived years ago and you think he hated you for that. God loves you so much. Your soul is so much important to him even in that bad state, he still cherishes it. Confess your sins to him and let him take over your life totally. Submit all to him. Though you will be broken completely but have it in mind that you are going to be broken for a Glory. It will separate you from that rough life and yield you to the path he has called you for. Your scar will become healing for someone else. it will heal up someone one day.